Cal Poly nerd clobbered by a group of sorority girls wielding Owala bottles and Stanley cups

Authorities are searching for the sorority girls who assaulted an Asian man on Saturday.

At approximately 3:10 p.m. on Feb. 14, two vehicles, a Jeep Wrangler and a Ford Bronco, drove past the local doughnut shop after spotting an Asian man who will be named J.K. throughout. According to the victim, after climbing out of their vehicles, the girls started bullying the man for wearing a quarter-zip and a bucket hat, calling him performative, along with all kinds of unmentionable slurs. A witness stated that the man, J.K., started crying, screaming for his mother.

In an attempt to get a direct account, we arranged an interview with the victim himself. When reminded of the incident, J.K. started bawling, every possible secretion oozing out of his face: “kkkrkghhhh—I—I—I—just—wanted—ughhhuhhhuuuoohh—one—normal—day—”. After feeding him a Capri-Sun and string cheese, he calmed down somewhat.

“After hopping out of their cars,” J.K. recalled, still sniffling, “they started clobbering me with Stanley cups and Owala bottles. They even started kicking me with their Uggs. They were truly savages; some of them even ate their collars, which made their shirts slip off their shoulders.”

In response to this incident, President Armstrong provided these passionate words: “Hateful acts that target members of our performative community are hurtful, disgusting and simply unacceptable,” Armstrong wrote. “Anti-performatism and all forms of hate and discrimination run counter to the values at Cal Poly and have no place at our university.”

“I wanted to be cool like K-pop—like Jungkook”, the student reported. He proceeded to take his phone out. After scrolling for some time, he started playing “What is Love?” by TWICE. His moves were incredibly sexy; his hips jiggled promiscuously. He blew a kiss at the end.